Majority Of Americans Never Use Physical Education After High School
Another instant classic from the Onion.
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Kevin Higgins always hated gym class. Like many of his classmates, he questioned the relevance of things like “exercise” and “physical fitness,” and wondered if these skills would ever have any real-world applications. Though he endured more than 720 hours of gym over 12 years, the 38-year-old accounting clerk said Monday that he has still never used physical education once in his life.
“I don’t know why they bothered teaching us all that stuff,” said Higgins, who since graduating has not once encountered in a situation that required him to move his body at a sustained pace or keep himself in healthy shape.
Steven Tyler released from Aerosmith
Bands unemployment level hits an all time 20% high.
BOSTON — After years of relative stability, the Aerosmith unemployment rate soared to an all-time high of 20 percent Monday following the downsizing of the band’s vocal sector, Steven Tyler.
Tyler, already dangerously underweight, says he will struggle to put food on the table without a steady income.
The announcement of the largest-ever round of Aerosmith layoffs sent shock waves throughout the group, but band leaders said that four decades of perfect employment was “unrealistic” and that it was necessary to shed some of the graying, outmoded workforce.
