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Another instant classic from the Onion.

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Kevin Higgins always hated gym class. Like many of his classmates, he questioned the relevance of things like “exercise” and “physical fitness,” and wondered if these skills would ever have any real-world applications. Though he endured more than 720 hours of gym over 12 years, the 38-year-old accounting clerk said Monday that he has still never used physical education once in his life.

“I don’t know why they bothered teaching us all that stuff,” said Higgins, who since graduating has not once encountered in a situation that required him to move his body at a sustained pace or keep himself in healthy shape. “I mean, come on—when will I ever need to physically exert myself for an extended period of time?”

Higgins is not alone. According to a recent poll, nearly 85 percent of all Americans admitted that, since entering the real world, they have found very few reasons to utilize the concepts they learned in physical education. In fact, most high school graduates claim that despite their gym teachers’ insistence that this knowledge would come in handy later in life, they have still never used bending, breaking a sweat, or coordination.

“I remember my gym teacher droning on and on about this thing called ‘physical well-being,’” Higgins said. “I still don’t even know what that means.”

Many educators and high-ranking health officials maintain that it is essential for young adults to learn such valuable skills as participating in activities and interacting with peers, increasing the intake of oxygen and nutrients to the blood, going out of doors, and moving. However, thousands of Americans have nonetheless gone on to lead very successful lives without ever bringing their heart rate over 120 beats per minute.

Erica Burnstrom, a 28-year-old aeronautics engineer living in San Jose, CA, said that abstract concepts such as aerobic activity and raising one’s knees above the hips in a rapid “pumping” motion have not translated into any practical applications in her day-to-day life.

“I never use any of that stuff, like walking quickly for five minutes,” said Burnstrom, who paused from using the Pythagorean identity to solve for the cosine of 71° and 144° in order to speak to reporters. “I understand that my phys-ed teacher needed to know all that stuff because that was his job, but I’m not some specialist who needs to lie flat, lift her torso into a sitting position, and then return to the original position for a living.”

“I wish they’d have taught us useful things in gym, like sitting at a computer and ordering things,” Burnstrom added.

Many Americans claimed that once they finished high school, skills such as increasing joint mobility and building muscle strength were no longer necessary.

“If something needs to get from one place to another, I can just use my cell phone, or hop in the car. And I know they say that physical education promotes balance, but that’s what my cane is for,” said Miami, FL resident Keith Monahan, 32. “The only thing I still use from gym class is that occasionally I’ll throw on some sweatpants while I’m sitting on the couch watching television. So I guess I learned that.”

Omaha insurance salesman William Haylor, 43, said that when his 8-year-old son asked him how to do a chin-up, he realized that he had simply forgotten.

“I know I used to be able to do that, but for the life of me I can’t remember,” Haylor said. “They’re really hard to do. I think that’s why I stopped.”

“I wish I could help him out,” Haylor added. “But what’s the point? He’s never going to use it anyway.”

In response to these findings, many Americans have urged the government to stop wasting millions of dollars on useless physical education programs and start focusing on real problems, such as obesity, arthritis, and chronic back pain.

‘No Values Voters’ Looking To Support Most Evil Candidate

Bands unemployment level hits an all time 20% high.

BOSTON — After years of relative stability, the Aerosmith unemployment rate soared to an all-time high of 20 percent Monday following the downsizing of the band’s vocal sector, Steven Tyler.

Tyler, already dangerously underweight, says he will struggle to put food on the table without a steady income.

The announcement of the largest-ever round of Aerosmith layoffs sent shock waves throughout the group, but band leaders said that four decades of perfect employment was “unrealistic” and that it was necessary to shed some of the graying, outmoded workforce.

“Explaining to a longtime Aerosmith employee that his or her job is being eliminated is one of the most difficult challenges we face in this business,” Aerosmith manager Trudy Green said in a statement released this morning. “We thank Steven for his many years of loyal service, and wish him the best of luck in all his future endeavors.”

Analysts speculate that the sector-wide layoff was a result of multiple factors, including redundancies in the singing-songwriting division, rising rehab fees that have cost the group millions, and a 34 percent decline in jump-kicks since 2003. In addition, some of Aerosmith’s younger, more ambitious employees, such as Joe Perry, 57, are willing to sing and play an instrument at the same time, often for half the salary.

“Tying a scarf to a microphone stand is unfortunately no longer a marketable skill,” IndustryWeek editor David Blanchard said. “To compete in today’s job market, you need to diversify your skill set. Someone who can not only sing, but also play tambourine and haul heavy equipment, is infinitely more valuable to a company.”
Enlarge Image Aerosmith Chart

Aerosmith, whose unemployment rate has held steady at 0 percent since the start-up rock outfit went public in 1970, recently underwent a paradigm shift away from what many deemed an antiquated business model. In the early 2000s, Aerosmith stopped manufacturing hits and instead began to focus primarily on repackaging and redistributing its existing product. This, Green said, made Tyler dispensable.

Tyler was reportedly informed of the decision 45 minutes before the band was scheduled to go onstage for a performance, and was told to pack up his belongings and turn in his Aerosmith “wings” pin before the audience arrived.

“Thirty-eight years of work, and this is the thanks I get?” said Tyler, who was set to retire in just 18 months. “It’s embarrassing. When [guitarist] Ray [Tabano] left back in ’71, we all got treated to a nice dinner and some cake on his last day. And he was only in the band for five months.”

“The only reason I came on with Aerosmith in the first place was the job security,” added Tyler, who said that after nearly 40 years of waking up at 5 p.m. sharp and going to work, he won’t know what to do with himself when unemployed. “And I liked being able to come in wearing an unbuttoned leather shirt and a leopard-print cowboy hat. Where else am I going to find a job like that?”

Morale among the remaining Aerosmith employees, Tyler’s coworkers said, is low.

“I’m going to miss Steven,” said rhythm guitarist Brad Whitford. “He was a good guy, and, I don’t know, I thought he sang pretty well.”

This cost-cutting personnel change is Aerosmith’s most radical shift in economic model since the band’s experiments as a drug-trafficking cartel from 1978 to 1984, their brief 1986 merger with Run-DMC, and their short-lived 1994 attempt to switch over to fabricating microchips.

“This restructuring is exactly what Aerosmith needs right now,” said Justin Levine, an analyst at Lehman Brothers. “Frankly, they’ve been in brand decline since that Super Bowl halftime show with Britney Spears.”

“Everyone was hurt badly in the big 1998 Armageddon Bubble,” said Bill Griffeth, host of CNBC’s Power Lunch. “At that point, practically everyone—even members of the younger generation—bought into Aerosmith, but it was clear that they would not be able to sustain that level of global interest. In truth, purchasing any of their material since Get A Grip has involved a substantial level of risk.”

Tyler is not the only one in the industry to be affected by the recent recession. In January, Bad Company was outsourced to China, and just last week, Don Henley of the Eagles was replaced by a drum machine.