ScottMcDaniel dot org

A page full of my favorite quotes. Some funny, some stupid, some both. Feel free to send me one using the contact link, eh? You can also comment.
:)

I used to be with it, but then they changed what *it* was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's *it* seems weird and scary to me.

To hell with your baby, I need those shoes!

Once again, the sandwich heavy portfolio has paid off for the hungry investor!

Evil will always win, because good is dumb.

A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

You're a woman, you can hold onto your anger forever.

Trying is the first step towards failure.

In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Did you know that every day Mexican gays sneak into this country and unplug our braindead ladies?

You look unhappy. I like that.

Newbie, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'See ya' then the third word will be 'Oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'.

Newsflash, you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.

Breathe out, so I can breathe you in.

A drunk clown hurt me once.

Little men, pushing it out.

Well isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day.

I have... an... Eiffel Tower... in my pants.

I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal.

I was just now wondering if there was anything that could actually push my headache into a full blown migraine... and there you are.

Elliot, come on. You're living out of a van like a homeless person... or Jewel.

No matter where you go in life, always keep an eye out for Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient.

What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso, how you doing?

Where my hoes at?

Hooch is crazy.

Uhm, I'm sorry. Here I was in my own little world, talking to myself, dreaming about candy bracelets.

Christopher? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex... Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?

Do you know what people are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings.

If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

I don't need your approval, or your stupid Man Cards! Although the lettering is darling. Have you ever done calligraphy?

Your butt looks like two Pringles hugging.

Your face is red, like a straw-brary.

Oh...my...god...I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time! I'm...I'm gavomiting!

That's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on his head and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.

Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.

DO YOU SEE CARLA?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH THE WARRIOR?!

If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago!

I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go, because then, I might...It's just, I don't think it's many little girls dream to be a receptionist.

Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.

You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive...no pun intended. But I just thought, 'too soon' for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball's in their court.

Why did you write that Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

Someone forged medical information, and that's a felony. Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.

Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.

God this is so sad. I think this is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to somebody's head.

The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts. Not for me, for my children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

That's what she said.

A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so I couldn’t hear the other dead people.

Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don't you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.

I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. I'm sorry, only part of me meant that...he'd probably end up a hero there anyway.

Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm...easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were and it ended with him telling me he could bench press 190 pounds.

I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff I can look up anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections...there are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we're downriver from that old bread factory...

What line of work you in, Bob?

I attended a Tony Robbins event by the airport last year, and... it wasn't the actual course, you have to pay for the actual course. But it talked about the actual course and I've incorporated a lot of his ideas into my own course.

You know what, I would save the receptionist. Just wanted to clear that up.

You never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.

My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.

I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!

The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is clearly the top 10%.

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until a drop of blood forms on your forehead.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they go by.

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.

In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.

Never memorize what you can look up in books.

It is better for a leader to make a mistake in forgiving than to make a mistake in punishing.

I felt like destroying something beautiful.

You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

We're a generation of men raised by women. I'm wondering if another woman is really the answer we need.

Man is free at the instant he wants to be.

Every sensible man, every honorable man, must hold the Christian sect in horror.

Clever tyrants are never punished.

When it is a question of money, everybody is of the same religion.

The Dude abides

Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please.

That rug really tied the room together.